Mom, Have You Seen the Way that Dad Plays GTA V?

Hey Mom, can I talk to you about something? It’s about Dad.

No, no, nothing’s wrong. Well… I don’t know. He’s fine, I think. But just listen to me for a second, okay? I’m worried about him.

You know that video game I bought last month – the one that I’ve been playing a lot? Right, the one with all the cars. It’s called GTA V. Anyway, I showed it to Dad. Yep, I know… he doesn’t usually play video games, but I thought he might like this one.

Well, yeah, I think he does like it. But, Mom, listen – I don’t really know how to say this.

Have you seen the way that Dad plays GTA V?

No, okay. Oh… you want to know what kind of game it is?

Uhh… well, it’s pretty simple, I guess. You have these missions, and you get into your car and drive around this really big city and… do… different things for people.

That’s pretty much it, more or less.

What... kinds of things? Mom, that’s just not important right now.

The thing you need to know is that Dad is playing the game all wrong – very, very wrong.

Well, for starters, he doesn’t follow the missions at all. I don’t think he cares about them. So… that’s a little weird to me, but whatever. And when he drives around, it’s super carefully. Like too carefully. There’s no reason to drive like that.

But that’s not the problem, really. It’s… the other stuff.

Like, well, he practically lives at the strip club. I swear, it’s like his home base. I don’t think he even knows that his character has a real home.

Okay, yes, this game has a strip club, Mom! Oh my gosh! I’m an adult so let’s get past this, okay? It’s just a teeny, tiny part of the game. But Mom, I’ve watched him spend hours – literally hours – just hanging out there. He has some drinks, gets a few lap dances, tips the dancers and doesn’t even touch them! Mom, he’s acting like he’s at a real strip club!

That’s weird, alright? No one does that. No one plays this game that way. He’s the only one.

Now, when I play… actually, forget it. Why are we talking about this?

But the real issue, Mom, the thing I’m really worried about… is the stalking. He stalks people, Mom. Mostly women. He stalks them in the game all the time.

…Not real women. See, in the game, there are random characters walking around all the time. They’re not usually doing anything important though. They’re part of the background – like scenery.

But I’ve seen him follow them, Mom, from a distance. He didn’t know I was watching, but this one time I saw him follow some blonde woman for 45 minutes. He just walked – actually walked! – behind her slowly, like ten or fifteen feet away, the entire time. Oh god, the walking.

Mom, he does this a lot, okay? It’s like his main activity in the game. And I know you don’t play video games and all that, but I need you to understand that what he’s doing is not normal. It’s absolutely, completely wrong.

It’s just not how you’re supposed to play GTA V, alright? You don’t just… follow random women around the city. There’s like a million things you can do in the game – believe me. Oh, all the things you can do!

But Mom, this… this thing he’s doing – it’s worse than all of them.

So, what I think we should do is –

Wait, what was that?

Mom, is that the garage door?

...

I think he’s home.